What If A Partner Leaves You During Rough Times

What should you do if a partner leaves you during rough times, such as after you've been fired from your job or hurt in a car accident?

If that happens, you should ask yourself the following question:

Did he/she leave you because of your actions, or did he/she leave you because of your situation?

This is a VERY important question!

If he/she has left you because of the "mistakes" you've made in the relationship such as being too needy or continuing to "push" him/her when it was clear that he/she needed space, then simply use my "Reverse Your Breakup" program to get her back.

But if he/she had broken up with you because of your situation (examples: He/She does not want to be with a girl/guy in a wheelchair or a girl/guy with no money), then you should be GLAD that he/she's gone. He/She's really not worth your while. (If you don't believe that, drop me an email and I'll take a look at your case.)

But either way, you should learn more about women and dating before you do anything else!

What If You Suspect Your Partner Is After Your Money?

Today's tip is going to be very short.

A question that I get from my readers *all the time* is, "What if you suspect your partner is after my money?"

The answer is very simple with this one:

DO A TEST!

Cut back the amount of money you spend on him/her. Don't buy anything for him/her. Don't take him/her out to expensive dinners. Cut out on your "quality of life" with him/her while maintaining the same kind of attention you have given him/her in the past.

Then watch her VERY closely to see how she reacts.

Does his/her attraction seem to drop? Or does she still enjoying being with you?

If he/she's still happy with you, then it shows you did NOT need to pamper him/her with materialistic things to attract him/her to begin with. (You've wasted all that money, buddy!) Good. Keep it that way and use your HEART instead of your wallet to attract him/her from now on.

But if he/she's dissatisfied or seems to whine about money a lot, then it's a sign he/she could be a gold digger.

In that case, keep dating him/her WITHOUT spending another dime on him/her. If he/she stays, all right. Good for him/her.

But if he/she wants to leave you, then let him/her leave. Gold diggers are really not worth it!

What If Your Partner Belittles You In Front Of Other People?

Does your partner ever belittle you in front of other people? Does he/she make fun of you (in a harmful way) or make hurtful comments about you in front of strangers or his/her friends?

If so, it is time to lay down the smack.

As soon as it happens, you need to give your partner the silent treatment. Don't talk to him/her until he/she's freaked out/confused why you're giving him/her the silent treatment. Next, let him/her know what he/she did was not appropriate and that while you love him/her very much, you will not tolerant any disrespect from him/her. End the conversation there and do not get into an argument if he/she tries to lure you into a fight.

If your partner is smart (and actually cares about you), he/she will "get" this warning and be more careful about it in the future. But if he/she ignore you and keeps on putting you down in front of other people, then you seriously need to consider finding a man/woman who actually RESPECTS you.

Remember: As a "Smart Dater", you DESERVE respect from your partner in a relationship. Never settle for anything less!

What To Do With A Jealous Partner

I am often asked, "What should I do if my partner is jealous?"

Well...it depends on HOW jealous he/she is.

If he/she is a normal man/woman who gets jealous every once in awhile, then you don't have too much to worry about. In fact, it's good that he/she DOES gets a bit jealous every now and then.

It shows he/she still sees you as a stud.

In that case, you can just "defuse" his/her jealousy by teasing him/her playfully. For example, if your girlfriend calls a woman a bitch after the woman talks to you at a party, just say something like, "Nah. She's not a bitch. She just has good taste. And so do you." Then give her a kiss.

Problem solved.

But if your partner is one of those men/women with a "chronic" jealousy problem, then you're in trouble.

Never forget that a person's jealousy usually comes from insecurity. This is why EVERYONE gets jealous every once in awhile...because nobody is perfect and we all do have our own insecurities.

So if your partner is VERY jealous ALL THE TIME, it's a sign that he/she is very insecure...

And guess what?

Insecurity means low self-esteem, and low self-esteem means BAD CHARACTER.

FIND ANOTHER MAN/WOMAN!

I have said this a thousand times and I will say it again:
Remember that you cannot change a partner's character. You have to accept him/her for who he/she is BEFORE you enter the relationship. If you try to play therapist, his/her attraction for you is going to drop very fast and you'll most likely end up as his/her "friend".

In other words, you CANNOT do anything to "help" him/her become less jealous. You cannot cure a man's/woman's jealousy or insecurity. It's something that he/she has to do on his/her own.

The other alternative, of course, is to learn to "tolerate" your partner's jealousy. But let me warn you now: as time goes on, it will get harder and harder, and you'll probably be in for a very rough ride.

You have been warned!

What If Your Partner Needs More Space

What should you do if your partner tells you they need "more space" in the relationship?

Should you whine about it?

No.

Should you try to convince him/her how much you love him/her?

No.

Should you get jealous because he/she wants to spend more time with his/her friends?

No.

What you SHOULD do is to pull back from the relationship and focus on YOUR life...even MORE than he/she does.

Why? Because when a man/woman needs more "space", it means you're being too needy and you're suffocating him/her. It means his/her attraction for you is DROPPING and if you keep on pushing him/her, he/she is going to dump you.

At this point, if you force him/her to "work things out", you will only end up pushing him/her AWAY since you already have one foot in the negative zone.

So instead of pushing him/her away from you, you should PULL BACK and focus on YOUR life.

Focus on improving your life, working towards your goals, and creating a stronger self-image.

Because chances are, if he/she needs more space, you probably haven't been spending a lot of time with your own life outside your relationship.

By focusing too much on a relationship, you risk losing out what life has to an offer. As a result, you will become even MORE needy overtime as you lose the grip on the rest of the world. One day, you will wake up and find that you "cannot live without him/her", and ironically, that's usually when a man/woman will dump you.

A healthy relationship requires SPACE for both parties to grow. So give him/her some space, and give YOURSELF some space too.

As crazy as it may sound to you if you're a needy person right now, it may actually be one of the best things you can do for your relationship!

What If My Partner Wants To See Other People?

What does your partner mean when he/she says you should both see other people?

As a Smart Dater, it should only mean one thing: his/her attraction for you has dropped so much that the relationship is about to end.

Your partner can not just wake up one day and want to start seeing other people. Usually, when he/she wants to see other men/women outside an existing relationship, it's because she wants to meet other men/women without feeling guilty OR without facing complete rejection if a man/woman rejects him/her. (He/She will still have a guy at home to go home to.)

In other words, your partner only wants to see other guys/ladies because he/she is not attracted to you anymore, but at the same time, he/she wants to keep you around as a "backup" in case his/her new partner turns out to be a creep. In fact, he/she may even see you as a "tool" to get new partner jealous.

So what do you do when your partner wants to "see other people"?

Well, honestly there's not much you can do. If you disagree, he/she will probably dump you right there since the attraction is so low anyway.

Your best bet is to end the relationship right there OR to agree to see other people too. But either way, you want to actually start seeing other people and let him/her know ALL about it. Show him/her that you ARE capable of attracting other men/women and that you are NOT going to just sit there and be his/her "backup plan."

If he/she freaks out and begs for you to come back, good. Otherwise, just move on. He/She's not worth your time!

What To Look For In A Guy : Three Requirements Of A Healthy Relationship

What do you look for in a guy? How will you recognize a good relationship? What can you do to help a good relationship develop and grow? Let me give you three things that are necessary for healthy relationships of any kind. These three things are respect, empathy, and genuineness.

I believe that you know what is meant by respect. When people have respect for each other they value each other. They want to know each other’s needs, thoughts sand opinions. There may be disagreements, but the opposing opinion is respected and even valued, if only because the opinion is important to the other person. This can be hard to do at times. It is related to maturity. As we mature we are better able to hold respect for others.

Think about respect as you date different people. Show respect for your date. Does he show respect for you? Is he interested in your opinions? Does he ask what you would like to do or where you would like to go? These are signs of respect.

Empathy is a wonderful trait to develop. Empathy is the ability to put oneself in the other person’s shoes and to understand their view and perception of a situation. This ability may not come natural. Fortunately, it is a skill that can be developed. Just start practicing by imagining that you are the other person in a conversation. Try to see their point of view. Try to think like they are thinking to better understand them. You can even practice this while watching television. Try to put yourself in the various characters’ shoes. Try to see each person’s viewpoint and why they are different.

Does your date seem to show empathy? Does he seem to listen to what you say? Is he able to verbalize your ideas and see your point of view? These things indicate empathy. If two people are able to provide empathy for each other, conflicts are more easily resolved. Add respect to the relationship and things are even better. The end result is a relationship that will uplift and compliment both persons.

Genuineness relates to both respect and empathy. You have to be yourself in the relationship. Don’t try to put up a front and pretend to be someone else. Just be you, with plenty of empathy and respect. In fact, if you are not genuine it will eventually show and it is a turn-off for most people. When you show respect, it must be genuine. When you show empathy, it must be real.

Genuineness may be a little shaky early on in the relationship because you will both be on your best behavior. With time the façade will drop, and hopefully, you can both just be yourselves.

Respect, empathy, and genuineness, move toward making them a part of your relationships. Even better, make them a way of life.

ABC's of Healthy, Happy Relationships (continued)

Understanding – Happy, healthy couples try to understand each other even if it means joining a self-help group, reading library books about something foreign or unknown, or taking time to research and delve into an issue. In other words, take time to gain knowledge and wisdom before jumping the gun on something you may not really understand.

Violence – Violence is not welcome. Period. Don’t accept it. Don’t dish it out. Anger Management is not just a movie term today. There really is help out there if you or your mate needs it.

Warning Signs – Healthy people are generally alert to warning signs of trouble and head them. Denial isn’t part of their life.

X-Ray – Happy people in healthy relationships generally don’t look at each other as they look at x-rays. They don’t see close-ups of each flaw and character make up. They learn to look beyond the bare essentials and see the whole person.

Youthful Attitude– A youthful attitude can go far in relationships. Old outlooks can spawn resentment, skepticism and other negative connotations. A little dose of daily humor (reading comics, watching or listening to comedy, etc.) and keeping in touch with youth (church activities, neighborhood / social nonprofit functions and events, etc.) can help maintain a fresh, youthful outlook.

Zombie – Don’t go through life like you’re a zombie! It’s not up to your mate to fulfill your life. You need to take charge yourself!

ABC's of Healthy, Happy Relationships (continued)

Parental Issues - Even the best of relationships deal with someone’s past parental issues from time to time. Counseling can help, yes, but something out of the blue can still trigger a parental issue that someone struggles to deal with regardless of age, it seems. In these cases, just realizing and stating that it’s normal, may never get resolved and is okay to move on, can work wonders – for both parties.

Quality – With hectic schedules, quality time is important. So even if you can only meet to watch a 30-minute comedy together every evening, make and keep that date. You’ll probably be especially glad you did when times get tough and have the wonderful memories to help get you by.

Respect – Respect not only each other, but each other’s property, friendships, time, job and …everything. Remember you are sharing life together and need to be courteous to one another and all the affects you.

Sharing – Likewise share and don’t be stingy. “You reap what you sow,” and “You can’t take it with you” when you die, as the sayings go.

Trust – Healthy relationships involve people who trust one another. One person doesn’t get involved in unhealthy risks with a third party or lie to the other. There is an open, positive exchange of trust. So if this is lacking, seek help from a professional counselor, if necessary, and see what’s wrong.

ABC's of Healthy, Happy Relationships (continued)

Keep in Touch – Don’t let life separate you too long. With technology today, you can stay in touch with cell phones and email. No need to overdo it and be obsessive and controlling, but do stay in touch off and on throughout the day with quick “Hellos” and “How are things going?”

Lemonade – Make lemonade out of those relationship lemons. And “yes” there will be some, since life is not perfect! For example, when your partner is late and you miss a movie date or restaurant reservation, don’t make it a night of terror and destroy what’s left when you finally do get together. Do something else instead, like relax at home with a video and scented candles, and order subs (and lemonade!)

Make the Honeymoon Last – Remember how your felt when you first got together? Do those little things that you did at the beginning and make the honeymoon last. Bring home fresh flowers, shut off the television, turn on some music and dance with your mate, compliment your mate, make dates to go to places you used to frequent (the old neighborhood pizza parlor, a local drive in, a hotel you went to on your honeymoon, etc.)

Nuts and Bolts – Don’t focus so much on the “nuts and bolts” of who said what, when, how often and why they were wrong…. In other words, sometimes during an argument, try losing your memory of who did what, when and how many times in the past. Instead, humble yourself, apologize for having messed up and hug your mate!

Open – Open windows when doors close. If you feel you’ve been pushed to the limit and don’t want to try one more time, close the door on that angle of the issue. Take a walk, get some ice cream and cool off (literally). Then return relaxed and refreshed, and open a window to air differences.

ABC's of Healthy, Happy Relationships (continued)

Goals - People usually have some goals together over time. Develop some together. Toss what no longer works, what you outgrew or what may no longer seem important or is finished. And then inherit or create new goals. Working toward a common cause like saving for an annual vacation or a new garden area can help people grow together.

Health – Take care of your own health and encourage others, too. Even in this day and age of cable television with movies and the Internet available 24 / 7, it’s still amazing the number of people out there who can’t “Just say no” to unhealthy behaviors like smoking and drug abuse. Don’t be afraid to share your healthy views and encourage healthy choices and living.

Intimacy – Closeness with a person takes time to develop. And there’s more to intimacy than physical contact. Intimacy can mean a hug during a tough time, a smile of encouragement in the face of adversity and compassion when you least feel like giving. Don’t abuse or take advantage or the other person. And don’t let yourself be abused or taken advantage of. Intimacy takes commitment and sharing.

Just say no – You don’t always have to be voiceless or agree with someone in a relationship. Be able to say, “No” and be an individual, too.

ABC's of Healthy, Happy Relationships (continued)

Dependable – Be a friend; i.e. be dependable. Things happen from time to time and cancellations are a part of life. But on the whole, if you say you’ll do something, do it. Take responsibility for your own actions.

Expectations – Movies, romance novels and television shows often portray life, especially human relationships, very differently than it is in the real world – this is no secret. How many people really always look like movie stars, have zero health ailments, endless income without hardly ever going to work, fabulous cars and homes, friends and family who totally adore them and come to their beckon call, no long-term problems because they all end so quickly, etc.? And who can battle serious issues like one person having an affair with someone else, and wrap the whole storyline up in two hours? Get real. Expect a little less than the media portray and learn more about humans by joining the real world scenario.

Flexible - Keep a little mystery in the relationship. Juggle your schedule and invite the other person to a surprise picnic or walk at a local public park area.
Goals - People usually have some goals together over time. Develop some together. Toss what no longer works, what you outgrew or what may no longer seem important or is finished. And then inherit or create new goals. Working toward a common cause like saving for an annual vacation or a new garden area can help people grow together.

ABC's of Healthy, Happy Relationships

For Healthy, Happy Relationships, here are some basic guidelines for reference. They are in alphabetical order only, not order of importance.

Acceptance – Don’t try to change someone. This is a must. If a person really wants to change, that person will need to be motivated and take action. Period. Also regarding acceptance, accept limitations. He is not Superman; you are not Wonder woman. No one is perfect; so do not expect perfection. Accept the little flaws that come with each person. You accept theirs; they accept yours. That’s life!

Bonding – Bonding with another person generally does take time. Communicate – talk, listen, share the good and the bad, ask questions, compliment instead of nag or insult. In short be a friend; make a friend. That is healthy. If this bonding is lacking, it may mean professional help is needed (like a counselor or therapist) or it may be time to move on to healthier relationships.

Communications – Be open to the other person. Check judgmental attitudes at the door. And give chances. Be fair, flexible and friendly. If and when things get out of hand and it is your fault, apologize and ask forgiveness and move on. Similarly, be acceptable to apologies and grant forgiveness, too. Life is too short to stay focused on the negative too long. No need to deny it; face it, deal with it and move on past it to improve and strengthen your relationships.

Ingredient For A Healthy Relationship :Support And Co-Operation

Relationships may begin with just two people, but more people eventually become involved. Work friends and associates, family members, old school chums and various other assorted persons interact daily, so gaining the support and cooperation in working towards a common goal is a plus in relationship building.

To put this into perspective, we can look at John and Mary again. If John gets along fine with Mary, but can’t be in a room for 10 minutes with her dad or the rest of her family and friends, the relationship will probably eventually bottom out; i.e. not grow. However, if John can help build some type of relationship with them as Mary does, like joining and participating in a holiday meal celebration, that is a plus and can help build and grow a more solid relationship.

In summary, by learning to use more of these “nuts and bolts” of relationship building, focusing on some of these basic techniques can help build and grow relationships. More can be learned about each technique by simply heading to the local library or typing in the technique into your favorite search engine. Forget that, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” saying. We’re not dogs. And humans CAN learn – at any age!

Ingredient For A Healthy Relationship :Fundamental Of Finesse

Basically using finesse in handling relationships means use subtle skill, tact or diplomacy when handling a situation. This doesn’t mean you need to use fancy, flowery phrases or lengthy 10-letter words or anything. It means focusing on the positive in a friendly way, and not embarrassing the other person.

For instance, finesse means not telling a host that he or she has body odor or that his or her house is looks and smells like a trash dump. Instead, it means politely excusing yourself upon entering, and informing the host of an unplanned meeting that came up or family member who dropped by unexpectedly, and that you wanted to drop by for a quick “Hello” to thank the host for the invitation before rushing off to your appointment. Keep things simple here, smile and think, “James Bond” with that English gentleman concept.

Conflict Resolution
How do you handle conflicts? If you can put your ego aside pretty much and try to keep friction to a minimum, your relationships should move along fairly smoothly. Where you feel disagreement, if you can “agree” to disagree on certain things with the other party involved, that will help, too. In short, conflict resolution means to pretty much deal with others as you would want them to deal with you.

For example, let’s look at fictitious John and Mary, out on their first date at a restaurant. A drunk man passes by their table and accidentally spills Mary’s glass of water. John gets upset and says something along the lines of, “That makes me mad! I hate drunks. They should all be put in jail.”

Mary, on the other hand, who has an alcoholic father (unknown as this point to John), may feel embarrassed and saddened by John’s revelation and get quiet, giving only brief “yes” or “no” answers from that point on.

Hopefully, John picks up on this. He can use finesse and conflict resolution and say, “Mary, I’m sorry for my outburst and really didn’t mean that. Actually, a drunk driver caused an accident that I read about recently, and I’d really like to learn about alcoholism and understand it more.”

A statement like this could help ease the conversation into a more productive stage. Then instead of having an argument about social versus addictive drinking and possibly ending or breaking up the relationship because of conflict, the relationship between two people could actually develop a little farther along or deepen. And John and Mary could both learn more about each other and broaden their
perspectives in the process.